


Captain Old

by heartsdesire456



Category: DC's Legends of Tomorrow (TV), The Flash (TV 2014)
Genre: 5+1 Things, Age Difference, Established Relationship, Humor, M/M, Not Canon Compliant, Overhearing Sex, Secret Relationship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-29
Updated: 2016-09-29
Packaged: 2018-08-18 12:00:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,626
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8161400
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/heartsdesire456/pseuds/heartsdesire456
Summary: (alternately titled) 5 Times Len Showed Signs of Aging + 1 Time He's Young Where It Counts





	

**Author's Note:**

  * Translation into Русский available: [Старина Холод](https://archiveofourown.org/works/11774691) by [Katrinos](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Katrinos/pseuds/Katrinos)



> This is Tumblr's fault. Not any particular post, but just some headcanons people had about Len's age compared to the others on LoT and my own love of hilarious situations.

1\. Reading Glasses

 

Len enjoyed reading. It was a great way to pass the time laying low in a safe house, or on a space ship traveling through time. It was especially nice that he had broken into Rip’s private library and found fascinating books that had been lost in history due to the unfortunate state of small-production printing and the ease of destroying works in the past.

Currently, he was reading a transcript of Anaximander’s lost _On Nature_ that was absolutely fascinating. Early theories of evolution were so interesting, he found.

“Whoa, what are you wearing, Cold?!”

… or at least he did find them interesting, when people didn’t interrupt his reading.

Len looked up at Jax, raising an eyebrow. “Reading glasses. They’re these things people wear when they read. I do assume you know how to read, yes?” he asked, and Jax narrowed his eyes at him.

“You know what, Snart,” he muttered, only to stop as the others came in from whatever the hell they were doing that Len wished they would go back to doing. He’d had the bridge all to himself and he liked it there. More space than his bunk.

“What’s Snart doing now?” Sara asked, coming over to lean over the back of his chair. “Uh, that’s Greek,” she said and he looked up at her, waiting for her to make a point. She looked at him in surprise. “You read Greek?”

“Ancient Greek, yes,” he said, looking back at the book. “It’s transcribed Anaximander. Very fascinating. Gideon also told me she has access to more ancient texts transcribed that she can send me the file on.”

Stein, always one to get a hard-on for anything scientific, perked right up at that. “Oh? Anaximander, you say? You know, the natural sciences aren’t really my area, but of all of us, I must say, I’m surprised it’s you, Mr. Snart, reading ancient philosophy of evolution.”

Mick shrugged and grunted as he flopped into one of the seats. “Snart’s always been a nerd,” he said and Len leveled a glare at him. “What’s with the glasses?” he asked, looking at him funny. “You didn’t wear glasses before.”

Len huffed. “When we met I was fourteen, Mick, thirty years does things to one’s eyes,” he said, and Ray laughed under his breath.

Stein tutted. “Well, it is just a fact of nature that men of a certain age – and women, I guess – have vision degeneration. I’ve simply always been near-sighted, so I always had glasses.” 

Sara smirked, walking around Len’s chair. “I never thought about it, but you and Stein are the oldest on the ship, huh?” she asked and Len huffed, lifting his book again.

“Mick’s a year older than me,” he muttered.

“Yeah, but Mick’s barely even human,” Jax said, and Mick growled at him. Len smirked at the way Jax slowly backed towards Raymond and Kendra. 

Kendra smiled. “Well don’t listen to them, you look really great to be forty!” she said encouragingly.

“I’m nearly forty-five,” he said bluntly, looking at her over the tops of his glasses. “And I know I look good,” he said with a smirk. He pushed his glasses back up his face. “My twenty-six year old boyfriend picked these frames out for me, so I’d say that says plenty about how well I’ve aged.”

“Shut up,” Jax spluttered. “No way Snart has a relationship at all, nonetheless a trophy boyfriend.”

Kendra made a face. “My dad is forty-five and I was born in ninety, so he’d be my age.”

“Yep,” Len said, smirking as he looked at Jax. “And don’t call him a ‘trophy’ boyfriend. It’s not my fault the kid wore me down.” He shook his head. “Not like I went out looking for a boyfriend with an emphasis on the ‘boy’.”

Ray looked over at Mick, hooking a thumb at Len. “Is Captain Smartass really in a relationship?” he asked and Mick shrugged.

“How should I know? I just shoot things he let’s me to shoot, I mostly tune him out the rest of the time. He and his sister are too long-winded to actually listen to,” he said and Len flipped him off in a move to push his glasses back up his nose.

Len cleared his throat. “Gideon, can you confirm to these assholes that in twenty-sixteen I am, in fact, in a relationship, so that they will go away finally?”

Gideon’s voice rang out clearly. “Records show that Leonard Snart has a romantic relationship with Barry Al-“

Len scrambled to sit up, startled. “That’s enough, Gideon!” he said quickly, but the damage was done.

Clearly, more people knew who The Flash was than thought did. Kendra gasped. “ _Barry_?! But aren’t you enemies?!”

Sara frowned. “Who’s Barry and why is he anybody’s enemy?”

Ray opened and closed his mouth a few times. “I- he- a _superhero_?!” 

Mick looked at him suddenly. “Wait, they’re not talking about-“

“Barry Allen is The Flash!” Jax said to Sara, who whistled, giving Len a dramatic thumbs up.

Len huffed. “I was trying to avoid _that_ entire revelation. THANK YOU, GIDEON!” he shouted, but she didn’t respond.

 

2\. Hangover

 

Len woke up feeling like a marching band was going through his skull. He rolled over to try to stifle the sound, but he heard a commotion that was more than the usual and decided he better go check it out, no matter how hungover he was. It was a struggle to get into his boots without setting his stomach off. Bending over while queasy from a hangover was not a good mix. 

When he finally got out to the bridge to see what was up, he was glad he had stopped to brush his teeth, because the chatter, apparently, was that they had landed to take on another passenger. “Barry?” he asked in confusion.

Barry turned around from where he had been eagerly chatting with Rip and the others – minus Mick and Stein – and a bright smile crossed his face. “Le-“ He stuttered, seeming to think better. “Snar- uh, Cold,” he greeted with a nod, as if that was any more natural. 

Len chuckled and rolled his eyes. “They know, Barry,” he said, and Barry only spared a moment for a confused glance their way before perking up and crossing the room.

“Lenny,” he said warmly as he slid his arms around Len’s neck, hugging him close.

Len felt, at least for a moment, the symptoms of his hangover melt away as he curled his arms around Barry’s slim waist and held him close. “Hi, Scarlet,” he said softly, pressing his face into Barry’s neck.

Barry pulled back just enough to meet Len’s lips in a soft, chaste but warm kiss. “Man, I’ve missed that,” Barry sighed, tipping his head down just enough to meet Len’s forehead. He looked at Len’s eyes and frowned slightly. “You look like shit,” he said and Len chuckled in spite of himself, rolling his eyes.

“Feeling the love, Red,” he drawled and Barry blushed.

“I- I just mean you look like you had a rough night, is all.” He stepped back some, rubbing at the back of his neck. “I really did miss you, though,” he said quickly, changing the topic, and Len raised an eyebrow.

“And just how long as it been since I left for you?” he asked and Barry pouted at him, big, green eyes going even wider.

“Len, it’s been two _weeks_ ,” he said gravely, and Len snorted.

Len pulled Barry into his arms again, looking at him closely. “Red, it’s been over a month for me, you don’t get to complain.” He sighed, brushing his fingers through Barry’s hair, looking over his face. “I haven’t so much as spoken to you in a month.”

“That sucks,” Barry said bluntly.

Len noticed the others blatantly watching them over Barry’s shoulder and glowered. “What really sucks is when your crew are nosy asses,” he called out to them, and nobody but Kendra even bothered to look ashamed. He winced after raising his voice and tipped his head forward, resting it on Barry’s shoulder. “Motherfucker.”

“Hangover, huh?” Barry asked, reaching up to rub a hand over his shortly buzzed hair.

“I used to never get hangovers,” Len complained. “Fucking age.”

Barry smiled at him. “Well, I can’t even get drunk, so don’t complain too much,” he said and Len rolled his eyes.

“Right now, I’d swap,” he said as he walked away from Barry, who trailed after him towards the others. “Hey, Rip, why is Barry here?” he asked bluntly.

Rip rolled his eyes. “Because we have a mission that requires certain skills we don’t possess. Mr. Allen has experience with time travel – as dangerous as that was – “ he added, and Barry ducked his head sheepishly. “And the skills we need, so I elected to visit twenty-sixteen and borrow him for a short while.” He looked between the two of them. “When I learned of our… entanglement,” he said, cringing. “I thought it would be a good way to entice him to join us for this one mission.”

Len blinked slowly. “You’re bribing _The Flash_ to time travel? Isn’t that… dangerous? If he disappears it won’t be good for the future timeline, now, will it?”

Barry frowned. “Well, isn’t that a risk with all of you?” he asked and Len gave him a wry grin.

“We were chosen because we’re expendable, Red. If we all die, nothing much changes in the timeline, so we’re acceptable losses,” he said, then smirked at Rip, who frowned in confusion. Rip didn’t know Barry like Len did.

Sure enough, “Expendable?!” Barry turned back to Rip, cheeks flushing in anger. “Nobody is expendable, every single person is important, how dare you act like the grand scheme of things means people dying is acceptable loss! Oh my GOD the- there’s- you’re just so-“

Len grimaced some as Barry’s volume rose and he patted him on the hip. “You get him, Scarlet. I’m going back to sleep,” he said, smirking at the flabbergasted look on Rip Hunter’s face as he quietly headed back to his bunk, leaving Barry to his guilt-inducing tirade about the importance of every special snowflake in the universe and the value of human life.

 

3\. Joint Pain

 

Len hissed as he settled back against his pillows and shifted the ice packs he’d had Gideon get for him over his knees. “Mr. Snart, there is a call for you from Barry Allen,” Gideon said out of nowhere, and Len looked around. 

“A call, huh? When was that upgrade made?” he asked, but received no answer. “Sure, put him on.”

“Right away,” Gideon replied, and Len grabbed his reading glasses and his book, settling down to get as comfortable as he could.

“Hey, Len,” Barry’s voice suddenly said, emanating from the room itself the same way Gideon did. 

Len relaxed some, taking a surprising amount of comfort in Barry’s voice. “Hey, Scarlet,” he replied, closing his eyes so he could pretend Barry was in the room with him. “How did you trick out Rip’s DeLorean to let you talk to me?”

“Oh please, it’s way more like the Enterprise,” Barry argued. “And I just asked Gideon to let my calls through.”

Len chuckled. “You just asked the ships AI to let you talk to me?” Barry was quiet for a moment and Len hummed. “Barry?” 

“Okay so I probably shouldn’t even know this myself, but in the future, I invent the first Gideon,” Barry said in a rush. “Not this one, obviously, but the next few years from our time, I invent the AI Gideon and the future scientists sorta go from there, so technically I’m like the Alan Turing of AIs,” he explained. “Soooo yeah, she likes me.”

Len grinned to himself. “Barry Allen, the genius,” he said fondly. “Sounds a lot more attractive than Barry Allen, superhero. Bad guys can date smart guys, but you’re just cramping my style, Red.”

Barry laughed on his end and Len relaxed a little more at the warm, beautiful sound. “At least I’m just a CSI, cause cops can’t date robbers. That breaks all the rules of playground make-believe games, you know.” Len hissed some as he moved in his seat and Barry made a sound. “What’s wrong with you? Did you get injured?”

Len groaned. “Just sore knees. I did a lot of running and heavy lifting yesterday.” He sighed. “I’m not as young as some people around here,” he drawled. 

“Well make sure to put ice on them, and seriously, it’s not like you’re old,” Barry argued and mother-henned all at once. “Everybody gets sore knees once in a while.”

Len chuckled. “You get sore knees because you ran up a _building_ ,” he accused. “Anyways, guess what I’m reading,” he said smugly.

“What?” Barry asked, and Len grinned.

“A lost work of Pliny the Elder in the original Latin text,” he said and Barry gasped.

“Lucky!” he whined. “God, you are living the nerd dream, Lenny. It’s not fair. I’m a way bigger nerd than you!”

Len grinned. “Well I’m not the superhero who has to save the day, I just get to steal shit and call it saving the day.” He leaned back, crossing his arms behind his head. “Speaking of, you’ll never guess what I stole the other day.”

“Len, please tell me it was a Rip Hunter sanctioned heist,” he complained.

“It was, I swear,” Len said, biting his lip. “Let’s just say that I now know, for a fact, who D.B. Cooper really was,” he drawled and Barry gasped.

“SHUT UP!” Barry spluttered. “Oh my God, Len, are you serious- wait, is that what happened to your knees?” he asked suddenly. “Dammit, Len, you’re nearly forty-five years old and you don’t know how to parachute, of course your knees hurt! You’re lucky you didn’t break your legs!”

Len laughed. “Barry, I just told you that your boyfriend is D.B. Cooper and you’re concerned about my knees?”

“Of course I am, I don’t like it when you get hurt,” Barry argued and Len rolled his eyes, but couldn’t help the warm feeling in his chest because, for most of his life, nobody gave a shit about him being hurt as long as he was still able to keep working through the job. Even Lisa didn’t get too concerned because she knew, sadly, that he could handle pain really well. 

“You’re cute, Scarlet,” he teased and Barry huffed on his end. “But yeah, Vandal Savage had a partner on the plane. The pilot was one of his and he barricaded himself in the cockpit, so Sara and I had to jump and we just decided to take the money with us, since D.B. Cooper is a legend I cannot fuck up. One of the best stories for us thieves. A real hero among bad guys,” he said with a smirk. “And he’s me.”

Barry chuckled. “Okay, I admit, it’s pretty awesome.”

“Yes, it is, even if I am paying for it,” he admitted, looking down at his ice-packed knees. “After I finish the ice part, I’m just gonna get Mick to go ahead and set me on fire for the heating part of it, who needs knees if they don’t want to work right anymore?” he joked and Barry groaned.

“Don’t even joke about that, because you know Mick would gladly set you on fire!” Len just smiled and listened to Barry going on about the dangers of Mick’s pyromania, ignoring the pain in his knees by focusing on something far more important.

 

4\. Weight Gain

 

It was always nice to be home, even if they only had a week before Rip was taking them back on the hunt. Len had surprised Barry by breaking into STAR Labs and stalking Cisco around until Barry finally showed up. Cisco didn’t find it as funny as Len did that he could creep around and Cisco not notice him. Barry was a little annoyed, but he was too happy to see Len again to really get mad. 

Len had spent the first few days sleeping in Barry’s bed at Joe’s house – Barry didn’t really like Len staying over at Joe’s house, since Joe still wasn’t aware of their relationship – while Barry was at work and doing Flash stuff. After he got his fill of sprawling out in a queen sized bed rather than a bunk, he hung out with Lisa for a few days, and then planned an impromptu museum theft with Mick and Lisa just so he could get into a public fight with The Flash.

He got away, even though Barry made him return the stuff he stole (that he knew about, Mick and Lisa had a couple of small vases that would fetch a few thousand that he didn’t hand over to Barry), and spent the night after their big public face-off cuddled up on the couch with Barry, watching cop dramas just to drive Barry crazy. Barry got really animated in his arguments about how wrong and inaccurate the TV shows were, and Len loved watching Barry when he got really passionate about something. Barry just put so much feeling into anything he did, and it was absolutely mesmerizing. 

He really loved the way that, if he said something in argument to Barry, it ended in a ‘heated’ debate that led to some pretty fantastic sex right there on the couch.

When Len got out of the shower, Barry was sitting at the kitchen table with a carton of ice cream. Len rolled his eyes. “You have to eat even after just _sex_?” he asked and Barry shrugged unapologetically. 

“My metabolism is what it is,” he said absently. He offered the carton to Len, who rolled his eyes, grabbing a bottle of water out of the refrigerator instead. “You really don’t want any?” Barry asked. “It’s your favorite.”

Len chuckled. “If I eat that, I’ll gain three pounds before morning, Red.”

Barry frowned. “Len, you can eat ice cream,” he said and Len stood up straight, gesturing down to his bare torso.

“Do you see this? I’m packing it on floating around in space and time rather than getting in some solid running from the cops.” He glanced at Barry’s lean, rippled runner’s body. “It’s noticeable in this room, that’s for sure.”

Barry stood up, walking over to Len. “You’re not fat,” he said, backing Len up against the counter. He slid his hands to Len’s hips and Len gave him a curious look. Barry looked at his body, fingers ghosting over some of Len’s scars. He never let anybody see him shirtless, not even Lisa, but for some reason he didn’t mind walking around in nothing but his pants with Barry. He wasn’t self-conscious around Barry because he knew Barry knew the cause of most of the oldest scars and would never judge him or pity him.

Len chuckled softly at the feeling of Barry’s fingers digging into the softness of his lower sides. “Your hands are on my love handles right now, you can tell I’ve gained weight, Red,” he accused and Barry shook his head.

“You maybe softened up some, but I- uh-“ Barry blushed slightly, looking down at Len’s body. He licked his bottom lip, wetting it, and cleared his throat. “I sorta like it. Your arms and chest are still muscular and you still have abs, there’s just a little something soft so it’s not rock-solid muscle anymore. It’s kinda hot.”

“Oh Scarlet, you’re such a creep,” Len teased, making Barry glare at him, though he grew redder. Len slid his arms around Barry’s shoulders. “You’ve got a _thing_ for older men, admit it. I bet you think the gray hair’s sexy, too, huh?” Barry’s blush deepened and Len smirked. “Kinky.”

Barry groaned, dropping his head to Len’s shoulder. “Shut up, I can’t help it, it’s just really hot, okay? You’re _really_ hot. Even women are just hotter around forty for some reason, don’t judge me!” he defended.

Len shook his head but kissed Barry’s hair. “Nah, Scarlet, I can’t judge you. I really shouldn’t think you’re as sexy as you are, Kid. You should be like a ‘kid’ to me. But even if I like to mess with you and call you that, you’re definitely a _man_ in my eyes.”

“No doubt you find me a ‘man’, cause pretty sure you had my ‘man’ parts in your mouth an hour ago,” Barry teased and Len rolled his eyes, swatting him on the ass. “Oww!” Barry yelped, jumping back some. “That stings, thank you very much,” he said, rubbing his butt. “What, are your knees sore from being on them, Old Man,” he grumbled and Len narrowed his eyes.

“I’m gonna get you, Barry,” he said, and Barry squeaked and darted away just before Len could grab him. 

“NO! You know I’m ticklish, Len, it’s not funny- AH!” Barry super-flash-sped out of his reach and Len just watched him darting around, predicting his patterns as he went so that he could reach out ahead of him and catch him, spinning him around to tickle him until Barry got away again.

They spend half an hour playing around, and by the time they were done, Len’s knees _did_ hurt, but it was worth it when he tackled Barry onto the couch and they proceeded to lay there, lazily making out until they were too tired to do anything besides just go to bed. 

Len knew he was growing sappy in his old age, but that apartment was one he didn’t bring anybody but Barry to and he really loved thinking of it as ‘their bed’. It was oddly comforting to know that, even as they lay in bed, Barry didn’t have any problems with Len’s weight gain as he curled his arms around Len’s middle, love handles and all, and snuggled into his chest to go to sleep. 

 

5\. Heartburn

 

Len watched everybody under the age of forty (and Mick) putting away what was purported to be the ‘best pizza to ever exist’ in massive quantities with great envy. He thought they were joking when they said they had taken a day out of their time traveling to find the pizzeria that supposedly created the best pizza to ever exist and bought all they could. He had eaten two slices, and it had been absolutely incredible, but he knew his limit. He had learned his lesson many times over trying to keep up with Barry, so he knew quite intimately how much acidic pizza sauce he could consume before he regretted every decision he made that day.

“What’s up with you, Snart?” Sara asked, already on her sixth slice of pizza. “You sick or something?”

Len glanced longingly at the pizza and sighed. “Something,” he said.

“If you say you don’t like pizza, we’re jettisoning you out the airlock,” Raymond joked and Len shook his head.

“Oh no, I love pizza, this is delicious.” He rolled his eyes. “Pretty sure half my diet back home is pizza because my sister is convinced she’s a pizza chef and she makes too much pizza for Mick to eat all on his own, and she doesn’t touch the stuff because she thinks bread is bad for you.”

Kendra chuckled. “Bread is bad for you,” she said, shoving half a slice in her mouth. “Jus dun care,” she said with her mouth full, making Jax glare at her.

“You’re disgusting,” he said and she just shrugged.

Stein, who sat sipping seltzer water, chuckled. “It will catch up to all of you, too, one day. At a certain age, pizza with all that acid and the grease will just ruin your day.”

“You know, Stein, I’m still young enough to be your son, even if I’m old enough to be a couple of them’s father,” Len said with a sharp look his way. “Stop lumping me in with you. I’ve got another twenty years before I’m your age, thanks.” 

Sara snickered. “Oh Len, do you get indigestion?” she teased and he narrowed his eyes at her. She winked. “First the hangovers, now the indigestion. You make turning forty sound pretty shitty, just saying.”

“Yeah, yeah, yeah,” he muttered, crossing his arms as he glared at the pizza. “Fuck it,” he decided, reaching over to snatch another piece. “Gideon can give me future-Tums or whatever later. I’m not going to be mocked by a bunch of bratty Millennials,” he said, smirking when Jax and Kendra both groaned dramatically and immediately started complaining about his criticism. 

Later, after four slices of pizza, he really did regret it as he made his way to the med-bay and begrudgingly admitted to Gideon that he probably needed some sort of medication before his insides burned a hole through to the outside and people thought Mick had shot him while they weren’t looking.

 

+1 Sex Drive

 

Everybody liked Barry on the Waverider. He was a fun guy, very smart, and a great ally. He was pretty much well-liked by everybody. Even Mick begrudgingly admired the kid, especially after finding out he and Snart were dating in secret and still rivals in public. It made their heists more fun to know it was a real challenge. Sara barely knew the guy, but already realized he was a lot like Felicity, all cute and nerdy, and she _adored_ Felicity. Rip really appreciated his help and thought he was a great asset to have on their side. 

So when they needed him again, Rip didn’t hesitate to offer him a spot on the ship to travel for a few days on a mission, agreeing to drop him right back where he’d left so he wouldn’t be noticed missing, they all welcomed having a friendly face on the team. Unlike the last time he visited them for a mission that only took half a day, however, this time he was around for some more down time.

… and nobody had even imagined exactly what he’d choose to do with his down time. Or rather who.

Ray walked into the bridge bright and early – or some approximation of such – and found the rest of the crew already there. He yawned, gesturing to the hall. “Hey, what’s with the weird, rhythmic knocking sound? Last night I figured the thermal dampeners were just cooling off, but it’s still going,” he said. “Do we need to do some repairs before we make the next jump?”

He looked around at the rest of them and frowned when he saw the grumpy looks on their faces. Kendra gave him a look. “It’s not the ship.”

“We don’t need repairs, we need a tranquilizer mist,” Jax said, voice muffled as his head lay in his crossed arms on the table.

Rip snorted. “You sleep very hard, Mr. Palmer,” he said, looking exhausted for once in their journey.

Stein cleared his throat awkwardly. “It would appear that, uh, well the time apart has made our friends a bit- well, _amorous_ -“

“Snart and Barry have been fucking like rabbits all night long,” Sara said bluntly, toasting with her coffee. “This is the fourth round in about twelve hours. It’s amazing their dicks haven’t fallen off yet.”

“Ew,” Kendra complained and Sara just shrugged. 

Ray blinked. “Wait- you guys are serious?” He turned towards the hall and his eyes widened slightly as the thudding seemed to get _faster_. “Wait, you can’t hear-“ Before he could even finish his question, the faint, but clearly audible echoes of cries of, ‘Yes, Len, Lenny, YES!’ and ‘Fuck, Scarlet, you feel so good’ filtered into the room and he turned to the others so fast his neck cracked, only to see Kendra covering her ears, Jax with his head in his crossed arms still, Rip looking at the ceiling in disgust, Stein looking everywhere but at anybody else, and Sara raising an eyebrow with an _impressed_ smirk. Only Mick, who sat off to the side cleaning his gun and having no reaction at all, seemed unperturbed by the very clearly audible cries of ‘harder’ and ‘yes’ and ‘more’ coming from the bunks.

“Okay,” Ray said quickly. “If I have to listen to them finish, I’m really going to kill myself, is there nothing loud to cover this?!” he asked, gesturing around them.

“We tried,” Rip said flatly. “This, apparently, is them trying to be _quiet_ , and playing music throughout the room only stops them from bothering to even try.”

Ray made a face. “Ew, oh God.”

They all tried to carry on a conversation, but it was hard when the, in Stein’s words, ‘amorous’ sounds from down the hall grew more obscene, with additions of, ‘I love your cock’ and ‘you’re so fucking tight’ in with the other horrendous things they had heard so far, such as ‘I’m going to come again’ and ‘fuck me like you mean it’. 

When the extremely loud and intense fucking – for the past forty minutes that Ray was even aware of, Jesus Christ – became just guttural moans and loud thumps, Jax finally spluttered, turning to Mick. “Come on man, how are you not even bothered by this?! You’re all calm and collected over there!”

Mick shrugged. “Lisa’s even worse, and she and I usually stick together whenever Snart wanders off for a few months to do stuff on his own.” He patted his gun barrel again, looking at the scuffs. “I’m used to it.”

Sara just chuckled at Jax’s mentally scared expression. “Hell, I’m just jealous. Wish I’d jumped on the Captain Cold train before he got himself a boyfriend if he’s that good in the sack.”

“Sara!” Kendra said in disbelief and Sara rolled her eyes.

“Oh come on, when’s the last time a guy got you to make the kinda sounds those two are making?” she asked bluntly, and Kendra blushed, looking away quickly. There was an even louder, guttural moan, and a sharp cry, and then, miraculously, all the sounds ended.

Ray shook his head, cringing. “Well that’s a new record, I’m sure.”

“I’m still trying to work out why Barry apparently has no refractory period, going by what I heard all night, next door to that bunk room,” Sara said. “That’s some kinda superpower,” she said with a lecherous wink, seemingly just to make Kendra blush even more.

After a little while longer, after finally talking about their plans now that things weren’t so _distracting_ , Ray snickered suddenly, and they all looked at him, until he ducked his head. “Hey, guys!” They all turned as Barry walked in, clearly fresh out of the shower, with Snart following him. Ray snorted again and Barry tilted his head as he looked at him. “What’s so funny?”

“Yeah, Ray, what’s so funny?” Kendra said with a warning narrowing of her eyes.

Ray couldn’t help it though, even as he became more embarrassed, he also laughed hard. “I was just thinking,” he said, shaking his head. “We- we always joke about how old Snart is, but I’m entirely positive not a single other person on this ship could go four rounds of extremely loud sex in one night without some kinda drugs,” he said, nearly doubling over as he laughed harder. “Oh God, you guys are _so loud_!” he stressed.

Barry’s eyes widened and he turned _bright red_. “Oh, I- Uh, we- that- uh-“ Barry rubbed at the back of his neck. “Um, that was us being quiet?” he said, phrasing it more like a question than a statement. 

Rip grimaced. “We discovered that when we tried having Gideon play music.”

“God, I’m so sorry,” Barry said quickly, hands going over his mouth. “I just- wow, this is worse than the time Joe walked in on me jerking off when I was seventeen- OH GOD I said that out loud!” he said, pressing his hands over his eyes instead. “It’s just that he hasn’t been home in over a month, and- not that that excuses- Man, I’m just gonna- I’m gonna just-“ He gestured over his shoulder. “Gotta check on my suit and stuff, bye!” he said, disappearing in a flash – literally.

Len casually walked over to the coffee maker, getting himself a mug, and everybody looked at him expectantly. He didn’t say anything at all as he came and took a seat at the table, leaning back in his seat to sip his coffee. He looked around at them over the rim and Sara smirked. “Well? What’s your excuse?”

Len raised an eyebrow, and then lowered the cup to reveal a smirk that had them all instantly regretting Sara asking that. “What, you think I’m going to apologize for being great in bed?” he asked with a devious lilt to his voice. “There’s guys my age who can’t even get it up, and I made a superhero have seventeen orgasms in one night, I knew damn well everybody could hear us, I just don’t give a fuck,” he said with a wink. “And there’s three more nights before Barry goes home and I don’t see him again for another month, so I suggest you all invest in earplugs, or just sit back and enjoy the show.” 

He stood up from the table with a devious grin as they all just stared at him with an array of reactions from shocked to entirely unimpressed, and headed back towards the hall, cradling his mug against his chest. “I’m gonna go see if Barry needs help with that suit of his,” he practically purred.

As he turned the corner he heard someone – he was pretty sure it was Stein – muttering, “Oh dear God, not again,” but he held in the urge to laugh as he went on his way.


End file.
